It's just time to say goodbye

I've thought about it long and hard, and after four years in Japan, I've decided to head back to the States this upcoming April. I've had a few hardships here and there, but overall my life here is very happy and comfortable. I feel that it's just time to say goodbye. Although I really enjoy my job, I can't be an ALT forever. It's more of a part-time job than it is a profession, and I will never get a salary raise or advance to a higher position if I continue to stick with it. That's the sad reality of the situation. I've met veteran ALTs who have been in this country for much longer than I have, and the majority of them are extremely jaded and fed up with their lives. That's not who I want to become. I want to leave Japan loving it as much as I did when I first got here so I can look back on my memories fondly and look forward to visiting again someday.

So what's my plan now? For the longest time, I thought I was going to become a graphic designer. Art has been a huge part of my life ever since I was a kid, and my B.A. is even in photography. I had planned to go back to grad school for graphic design after spending a few years in Japan, but thinking about making art for people, having to change things to suit their preferences, and sitting in front of a computer screen all day made me realize that I can't do it. I thought about studying translation and becoming a Japanese-English translator, but that was never my strong point when I took Japanese classes, plus I find no pleasure in doing it. And since I grew to love teaching so much, I thought about earning a teacher's license to teach elementary students, but as much as I love kids, I can't be around them all day long and I'm no good at math, science, and history.

I'm going to go back to school to study TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages). I discovered recently that it's not just teaching, but it's teaching English that I really love. However, I have no background in syntax or linguistics, so it's always difficult for me to answer structure or grammar-related questions that my students have. My teaching methods have been praised quite often even with no official training or license, but I feel that I have a lot of growing to do as an English teacher that I won't be able to do as an ALT in Japan. There are several schools I'm looking into at the moment, so I will spend about a year living at home in California to finish up my applications, work part-time, and reconnect with my family and friends in the Golden State before going back to school. After I graduate, I want to work at a community college or university in Hawaii and teach English to primarily Japanese students. And if I miss it enough, maybe I'll even come back to live in Japan again.

Thank you for accepting me and helping me become a better person. Thank you for bringing me amazing friends, food, and experiences. Thank you for being constantly weird and quirky and always surprising me in new ways. It makes me so sad when I think that my time with you is finally coming to an end, but it's not sayonara forever. I'll be back, and I can't wait to be reunited with you again.

Homegoing

I've always been a pensive person and I constantly have all sorts of thoughts running through my mind. Maybe that's how I found blogging so therapeutic back when I was younger...it helped me to sort out the clutter in my brain, in a way. I kind of wish I still had the time and motivation to write more regularly nowadays.

So I've officially been in Japan for three years now. I touched on this subject briefly before, but it feels like it's been much longer. I think it's because I've found my niche here. I love my job and the city where I live. I have an awesome group of friends out here, and wonderful, supportive relatives only a train ride away. And while I'll always be the same person deep down, I've done a lot of growing up, especially in a psychological sense.

It was weird going back to California in December. It will always be my home, but it was a strange feeling being somewhere so familiar yet so foreign. Everything was the same, but everything was different. I can't really explain it. Overall though, I was happy to be back, even if it was just for two weeks. I was able to see most of the people I had hoped to see, and go to most of the places I had planned to go. I barely had enough time to properly sleep at night, I was so busy running around and having fun.

However, there were so many small things I had forgotten about since I don't experience them on a daily basis here in Japan. There is litter everywhere you go in America, even with trashcans on every corner. Public transportation is smelly and full of crazy people. American food, even the "ethnic" stuff, is greasy and super salty or sugary. Americans really are friendly and loud; I don't think it's a stereotype. And everything is so....big.

I don't mean to sound like I'm putting down America because that's not my intention at all. I love my country and am proud to be an American. I just think it's interesting how the place that's supposed to my home was almost like an alien planet, and I was a visitor just passing by.

I'm not sure when I'll next visit, but when I do, hopefully this reverse culture shock won't be as strong. One thing's for sure though: I don't think I can live in California again.

A wild blog post appears!

Uhhh...'sup, Internet. Long time, no blog. Nearly two years, actually ^w^; It's funny...back in my late high school and college days, I could barely go a day without blogging, even if it were about trivial day-to-day banalities. I definitely think our modern social media has had an impact on my already short attention span, but I also think a part of me has grown out of the joy I used to find in writing down my daily activities. A little sad, but meh, people do grow out of things. C'est la vie.

So what's been up with me over the past year and seven months? Not much, honestly. I'm still in Iruma, still enjoying my time in Japan, LOVING teaching...don't have too many complaints about life right now. Actually though, I've recently come down with the flu, so according to the doctor's orders, I can't go to work for the week. I'm definitely over being cooped up in my house and it's only Tuesday...but at least it's given me an excuse to revive this ol' thang ;P

My three year anniversary in Japan in coming up in March. It's hard to believe I've been here this long already! I can't say that it feels like I just arrived yesterday though...in fact, it almost feels like I've been here longer. While I'm not completely "turned Japanese" (and that will never ever happen...I'll make sure of it, haha), I'm without a doubt in the mastery stage of culture shock. I am still constantly struggling with the Japanese language, but my proficiency is constantly improving. As a matter of fact, I took Level 2 of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT) back in December and got notice a few weeks back that I passed! \(^O^)/ I'm planning to take Level 1 in July, but I gotta work my ass off for that one; apparently even native Japanese have trouble passing it.

This past winter break, I was very lucky and got to go back California for the first time in two years. I had spent Christmas 2012 in Japan, and while I was super fortunate to have had wonderful, amazing friends to celebrate it with, nothing beats being home for the holidays. I honestly had the best trip I could have ever wished for...everything was perfect and it was like a dream come true! It made me feel extremely happy and loved to know that I have warm, welcoming arms waiting for me back at home. At the same time, it was extremely strange experiencing reverse culture shock. America's weird, man o_O;

But that'll all wait for another post. Hopefully. See you soon, but no promises :P

Solitude

I've touched on this briefly in a few past entries, but I wanted to elaborate on it a bit more in a full entry. I am very lucky in that I already had friends and relatives in Japan to warmly welcome me when I first arrived here. I'm also lucky in that I've been able to make a number of new friends during my past year and three months here. I was super shy all throughout high school, and slightly less so during and after college. My experiences in this country have taught me to go beyond my comfort zone in order to meet new people and cope with loneliness. But above anything else, Japan has taught me the importance of solitude and being able to live by myself.

A friend of mine who lived here for about four years before moving elsewhere told me that he came to Japan in order to learn how to live on his own. Unlike me, he didn't have a strong interest in the Japanese culture or language prior to moving here, and he gave up studying the language quite early on. Yet he was still able to get by in his own way, and I think a big reason is that he succeeded in his goal of learning to live by himself. Last year, when my homesickness was in full bloom, I was not yet used to being physically and mentally on my own. I was afraid of going out by myself just to run necessary errands or do fun things I'd usually enjoy, and being cooped inside my tiny apartment was more unbearable. Even when I hung out with friends, I felt unfocused and detached from them, and I hated myself for feeling so negative and depressed all the time. But some time after summer vacation ended and work started up again, I made a full turnaround. I'm not sure if there was a specific trigger, but I haven't felt afraid of being alone since then. In fact, I enjoy doing a lot of things by myself now, and prior to celebrating my 26th birthday with friends back in April, I went to Tokyo and hung out with myself, haha. I think it's actually quite common for people to do things by themselves rather with friends, so perhaps it's a part of the culture that I've absorbed over time. I wonder if I'll continue living like this whenever I move back to the States...

New beginnings

It's about damn time I updated this silly thing, isn't it? A lot has happened in the five months since I last posted. I went home for winter break and had a fantastic time seeing my family and friends. I started a list of long-term "goals" (NOT resolutions XP) at the start of the new year and have been making decent progress with it. And I moved from Kumagaya to Iruma about two weeks ago.

I really wanted to stay at my schools in Kumagaya since I felt that I had finally gotten used to everything, but unfortunately something happened with the contracts for the ALTs, so I had the choice of either staying and commuting to a nearby city, or moving altogether. I chose the latter option since a number of my friends decided to move too. It turns out that several teachers that I was relatively close to at the main junior high where I taught were going to be changing schools anyway, and I felt that the new school year wouldn't be the same without them.

Iruma is directly south of Kumagaya and much smaller in size. Since most of my friends from college teach in this city and it's only about 40 minutes to where my relatives live in Tokyo, I figured it would be a much easier adjustment than last year. Also, since I now have a year of teaching experience behind me, I know what to expect and how to go about planning lessons and such. This school year however, instead of going to just one small elementary school once a week, I'm going to three pretty big elementary schools all week long! Upon hearing about my new assignment, I was admittedly nervous. Unlike junior high, elementary school ALTs are generally expected to be the main teachers in the English classes since the Japanese teachers won't necessarily hold English teaching licenses or even speak the language. I was spoiled last year in that the homeroom teachers of both my 5th and 6th grade classes usually took the lead, and the only class I would have to plan and do mostly on my own with the homeroom teacher's assistance was my special ed class. However, teaching that class was what I looked forward to the most during the week. I loved the freedom of choosing what I got to teach, and the kids, even if they couldn't remember everything we would do in class, were absolutely adorable and super eager about my lessons. I have to plan the lessons and lead the classes at two of my schools this year, but so far it's been going well. The kids are bright and attentive, and they seem to like what we've been doing in class. The homeroom teachers have also said that they've been enjoying class, so I guess I'm doing something right! Elementary school does take up a lot of energy though, so I've been taking really long naps almost everyday after returning home, haha. Hopefully I'll get used to this crazy schedule soon.

I do miss Kumagaya, and packing up to move was a bit painful since I knew that I'd be leaving my very first home in Japan. But I do have a good feeling overall about this new start in my life, and have been enjoying life in Iruma a lot so far. And it's really nice knowing that I'm no longer in the hottest city in Japan! We'll see how I feel once summer gets here and the teachers' room isn't constantly air conditioned though ;)

Feelin' Fine

December's quite literally around the corner, and my nine months here will be on the 12th. I'm happy to say that my homesickness has drastically improved since my last two emo-stricken entries, but admittedly a part of it might be because I bought my plane ticket home for winter break. I'll be back in California for only about a week and a half (12/23 to 1/4), and although I know for sure I'll be jet lagged, there are so many faces I want to see and so much different food I want to eat that I probably won't be sleeping much.

That aside, I think I've finally gotten used to my life here, which I'd like to believe is the big reason why I feel significantly better than I did before. I'm still constantly struggling with the language, but outside of that, I feel like I've finally found my niche. I know what's expected of me at work and I get along with my coworkers. Some of my students have been driving me a bit crazy since I first started this job, but I've come to terms with the fact that it's something I can't really change. Other students I love to death, and their cheerfulness really rubs off on me. I've made friends in my area and have recently been making a bigger attempt to be actively social. But at the same time, I've learned to cope with living alone and now enjoy spending time by myself. I've also mastered the previously formidable squat toilet and actually prefer it to a Western toilet on occasion ;P

I'm still looking forward to Christmas in the Bay though :)

まだ残ってる

Summer break is nearly over, but I'm still homesick, although it's definitely less intense than it was before. I've figured out that a big part of my feeling this way has to do with the fact that I'm living alone alone for the first time ever. I always had roommates in college. Even though it was just the three of us back at our little house in California (four, if you count the cat ;P), I was never really by myself. And my best friend lived a five-minute drive away from me. I feel very thankful and blessed to have made friends and gotten close to my relatives out here, but there's a sense of familiarity and the known that I've been really missing lately.

I had wanted to write a post about this for a while now and was inspired by my friend Manami to do it today. When I applied for the JET Program for the first time, one of the questions that I was asked during the interview was, "How will you react if a Japanese person comes up to you and assumes or insists that you're Japanese?" I can't remember my answer, but this situation happens all the damn time to the point of it pissing me off a bit. I know I have an American accent/incorrect intonations/say the wrong word when I speak Japanese. I also know that I don't look 100% Japanese. But people still assume, even after talking to me, that I'm freakin' Japanese just because I have an Asian face! A lot of the time I actually have to explicitly say that they need to speak slower since I'm a foreigner, but the reaction I get after that is usually, "Oh, really? But your face looks Japanese and you speak so well!" むかつく。And even after explaining my situation, my ethnic background, et cetera, some people still insist that I'm lying!

At the same time, I do admittedly enjoy blending in. I don't stick out as much as other gaijin. It's probably good practice for my studying of the language, and it's incredibly interesting to observe this strange country as an outsider while appearing to be an insider. But sometimes I wish I could look more hapa. I had thought that I appear less Japanese when I wear my contacts instead of my glasses (a lot of my foreign friends have told me this) but several recent events have proved this theory completely wrong, haha.

I'm still enjoying my time out here (I'll post a more positive entry about my adventures at some point, I swear!), and I know that whenever I move back to the US, I'll miss Japan like crazy. But for now, letting this all out for everyone to see is very cathartic and has eased those remaining feelings of homesickness a bit :)